Why aren't there more violent computer games for older people?


Posted on: 07 February 2011 by Alexander Hay

Why should young people have all the fun? Older people have deathmatches too!

Computer Games! Since the late 70s, they have conspired to corrupt our youth, make people really boring to talk to in pubs and make you say rude things about your friends on Xbox live.

But why should older people be left out from this jamboree of sickening/hilarious violenceone million shades of brown and carpal tunnel syndrome? OlderIsWiser proudly presents a range of classic titles redeveloped with YOU in mind!

Shed Space - Isaac Clarke cleans out his shed in a tense battle of wits, horror and bits of old Ford Fiesta.

Angry Bird Watchers - Players take the role of irate RSPB members writing in to complain about the growing trend for colourful birds to fire themselves at pigs and unstable buildings for no apparent reason whatsoever.

World of Carpets - Here, you can play as one of up to 20 races and character classes, ranging from 'Sunday Shopper' to 'Bored Sales Assistant' as they all wonder aimlessly through a warehouse full of shagpiles.

Call of Duty (Special RBL Edition) - 'Soap' MacTavish, now long since retired, goes for a quiet pint of IPA at his local, before taking the dog out for a walk and tutting quietly to himself whenever he sees a vandalised bus shelter. All in dramatic slow motion. 

Bejowlled - The popular online puzzler returns with a special slightly saggier edition.

Arkham Asylum Seekers - Where a shadowy, driven Daily Express reader writes letters in purple ink about all these foreigners they're letting in these days. Features Mark Hamill as our hero's tabloid created nemesis, the swan-eating, benefit cheat muslim gypsy.

Granddad Theft Auto - Our hero, high on a dangerous cocktail of Ovaltine and Werther's Original, builds up a criminal empire by stealing mobility buggies and cornering the illicit trade in golliwogs.

Halo: Countryfile - A special edition of the popular first person shooter where an invasion by the alien Covenant causes havoc to hedgerows and this year's crop of brussel sprouts. Otters do surprisingly well, however. The multi-player option lets you play against a range of heavily armed presenters, from John Craven to Miriam O'Reilly, as well as TB-infected badgers and sheep worriers.

(Hair) Fallout - Where our hero, armed only with his wits, an arsenal of guns and a faithful dog, wanders a post-apocalyptic landscape, looking for a cure for pattern baldness.

Dragon Middle Age - An RPG where you help a fire-breathing, killer dragon and its army of savage monsters get through the menopause.

Alan's Wake - The famous author has died of a premature heart attack, and his friends have decided to have a wake in the middle of a dark forest with limited torch batteries and ammunition, all the while remarking that it's getting a bit parky now.

Songs Of Praise Hero – The ultimate music rhythm game, where players try to keep up with church choirs banging out such extreme tunes as 'My Lord Is My Shepherd' and 'Silent Night' on the unlockable 'Christmas Carnage' level. Complete the game once and you can play as Aled Jones, facing the ultimate challenge of presenting a Radio 2 music show. In Welsh.

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Alexander Hay

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