Sun journalists arrested

Posted by Hektor Vavangra

News International Insider Hektor Vavangra on the greatest outrage in British criminal history since when we last hacked someone's phone

The Sun newspaper, yesterday('s news)The Currant Bun is not a "swamp" that needs draining.

I mean, it's more like a large boil that needs lancing or a constipated warthog or an unemptied cat litter tray that's got flies buzzing around it, but anyway - you get my point.

Oh, and the Grimes and the Sunday Grimes are tickety boo too, and it's not like they've hacked TOO many people's e-mails. Gorblimey, luv a duck!

And yet (and here's where I get the hyperbole out) as the shadowy forces of the Metropolitan Stasi kick our doors in and arrest us for breaking the law, where are all those pinko lefty Guardian-reading civil liberty activists now? Probably encouraging swan-eating Gypsy asylum seekers to win the lottery!

...Er, yes, where was I? Oh yeah, I'm going to tell you that more police are involved in this than the Lockerbie bombing. Like that actually means something which, I promise you, it does.

And (this is where I write in Italics so you'll know I'm being very serious, like) major crime investigations are on hold because of this! I mean, I know this counts as a major crime investigation too, but I'm keen to downplay that fact and not cite any real evidence because footnotes are for gays and single mothers.

Anyway, some bloke down the pub said his best mate's sister heard that two officers were relieved of anti-terror duties even as hoards of Islamic extremist benefit cheats are poised to blow themselves up at the Olympics. Oh, did I mention they were anonymous sources? I did? Phew!

Instead of being called in for questioning, 30 suspects have been dragged from their beds in dawn raids, arrested and held in police cells while their homes are ransacked. Like criminal suspects often are.


I mean, the bloody nerve! We're all in favour of this being done to people we don't like and easy targets like poor people, ethnics and the Birmingham Six, but really, we should be treated differently because we work in the media, oh and we're white.

Anyway, at this point, I'm attempting to manipulate your emotions as I mention how wives and children have been humiliated as up to 20 officers at a time rip up floorboards and sift through intimate possessions, love letters and entirely private documents. Amateurs!

Naturally, this is perfectly acceptable when we're trying to get a World Exclusive or when we're intruding on families' personal grief. Or when we hack phones and jump up and down on notions of decency just for a single front page story. But anyway, it's disproportionate because I said so. Also, Nick Ferrari was on the Newsnight couch last night trying to smear critics and indulge in strawmen, and you know that's a sign we all know our goose is cooked.

It is important that we do not jump to conclusions. Even though that's what we do all the time, especially if a murder suspect looks a bit weird.

Nobody has been charged with any offence, still less tried or convicted. Usually, that's our job but now it's a little too close to home.

Yet all my mates are now on open-ended police bail, their lives disrupted and their careers on hold and potentially ruined. I mean, ruining and disrupting lives is OUR JOB for heaven's sake!

Anyway, in conclusion, this is all Rupert Murdoch's fault.

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