The Alternative 2011 Parliamentary Christmas List

Posted by Alexander Hay

As Christmas nears, what will Santa bring our hard-working, noble politicians? (Apart from lots of coal and possibly a distressing encounter with Krampus, that is.)

Sadly, Santa can't whisk them away - which would be the best Xmas present ever!'Tis the season to be jolly, to wonder if HMV will make it to another year and that glorious moment on Boxing Day when the toys start getting broken.

With that in mind, OlderIsWiser proudly presents the Top Ten Christmas Gifts for those special people who sit in Parliament all day arguing over EU quotas!

David Cameron - Junior God Costume
Prime Ministers! Ever felt a need to smite your foes? With the Junior God costume, you really can claim you've found religion again! Just stick on the white beard and robe and then spend hours of fun bringing doom and devastation on your foes! Also works on the economy and employment figures!

Nick Clegg – The My Little Cleggy Toy Range
There's all sorts of fun going on in Cleggyland! Collect the Lap Dog, the Toady, the Weasel and – let us not forget! - the All-Purpose Scapegoat. They're still selling out, but buy soon... There won't be any more of Clegg after 2015!

Ed Miliband - Lifetime membership of the Retro Computer Society
Remember the 80s? Remember having to spend half an hour loading a game off a cassette only for it to crash before it was completed? Spending hours alone in your room, tapping on rubber keys and obsessing over Clement Attlee? With this lifetime membership of the Retro Compter Society, you too can return to those halcyon days in the 80s when Labour Leaders never won elections!

Ed Balls – The Electro-Blink Restrainer
Hark now, oh magnificent one. Though your human veneer remains most beguiling, your true nature is becoming apparent... Quickly! Attach this battery operated device that stops you blinking so much. We mustn't let your true, cold inhuman ways become clear! At least until the next leadership election, anyway.

Vince Cable - The Amulet of Envisionment
It is said that this strange trinket brings curious revelations and grim arcane truths. But beware! Whoever holds it will surely realise the terrifying secret at the heart of the Universe – the Business Secretary is just a massive patsy!

George Osbourne - Unions-Be-Gone
Beguiled by poor persons and ghastly people who empty bedpans for a living and don't have Coutts Bank accounts? Troubled by national strikes and growing trade union militancy? With Unions-Be Gone, you can switch public to private in the stroke of a pen!

Aidan Burley – Lebensraum Lovelies
Tory MPs! Yearning for the days when all you needed to get ahead in politics was a black shirt, a silly moustache and one hell of an Oedipal complex? Relieve those happy times with the saucy Lebensraum Lovelies range of cheeky erotic prints. There's 12 to collect and are guarenteed to grant strength through joy to any Christmas Stocking! This year's special edition features a secret love-picture of Unity Mitford, splayed teasingly over a Panzer!

Michael Gove – The Toby Young Doll
Once, an Education Minister need only close down a few secondary moderns, cut free milk and encourage corporal punishment to get ahead. Nowadays, it's much more complicated – what the demands of parents wanting the best for their children, it can get very lonely. So what you need is a special little friend - the Toby Young doll! Obnoxious and self-serving with the amazing ability to agree with your most insane pronouncements on schools, it also comes with a vulcanised rubber face should you ever feel the need to punch it!

David Willetts - Brideshead Revisited Special Edition DVD
Missing those gay salad days when you could still beat the porter for not tugging his forelock long enough, and Jude the Obscure had as much chance of getting into Brasenose as an 18-year-old from a Tottenham Comprehensive? Relive that Golden Age with this special edition DVD of the Evelyn Waugh classic; perfect entertainment for those who dream of when university was only for rich people. (As in – next year.)

Louise Mensch – The Mensch-U-Like Replica Gynoid
Vapid Tory MPs may find the constant grind of taking children to school, waging war on twitter and being wrong most of the time to be undeniably gruelling. So what better way to free up extra time than with your own Space Age gynoid stand-in? WARNING: May usurp your place in Parliament and be more popular with the electorate!

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Alexander Hay

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